I'm Surprised

Lisa, the kick-ass female contestant on this year's series of The Biggest Loser, spent six hours on a spin bike.

She must have worn a wetsuit, which she peed in, before pulling the leg out, and wiggling it away. At this point, she was butt-f*cked by a seal.

ROAD TRIP - South of the Border, Pt. IIIb

I'm In Love With a Strict Machine... And Magic Tricks

Nothing sets the tone for a Girls' Nite Out like said Girls getting ready together. Not only is the knowledge of the Sexy and How to Look It! exponentially increased, it's bloody good fun. It's like dress-ups, but with a chance of pulling. Ah, lisptick, crass hand gestures and GummiBears - good for the soul.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty! And cSophie looks amazingly, completely beautiful in this picture. Mel has pretty friends - yay!

Nothing makes you feel girlier than a cocktail in a cool glass with a smick garnish - drink with relish and bangles jangling!

Sofie - more delicious than the drink she's holding

Fellas, fellas, listen up: pick up lines are usually thinner than supermodels. Pick up magic tricks are even more retarded. You know who you are; don't do it again.

Trams are magic - they can take you from the pub to Hungry Jack's. AWESOME!

Madame Brussels (Bourke St, up the far end - pack your walking shoes) is charmingly, beautifully strange. Described as having borrowed its decor from Carroll's Alice In Wonderland, the turfed indoor areas, boater'ed and Henly-jacket'ed waiters and smashing cityscapes make it an irridescent drinking locale. The cocktails jugs and stunning stemware add to the slightly removed-from-normal ambience - truly, we'd fallen thru the looking glass.

Sofie makes friends easily. Her usual charm is magnified when said friends are Ukrainian and so communication occurs in a gorgeous Cyrillic/Slavic/English melange. When I start to understand the Russian exchanges, it's time to knock the cocktails on the head.

And then, back to reality. Having finished beeing trendy, finger-on-the-pulse, style-setters-who-drink-cocktails, we ended up at The Barrow (? I question the accuracy of my narrative recount). Live music! Dancing! WE'RE SUCH GOOD DANCERS!

The state of us! And we thought we were gorgeous

Canberra men must be rubbish. In Melbourne, we made many many friends, enjoyed many many drinks, and cheered like absolute loons when Sofie scored herself a hot date. WAY TO GO, BABES!

Now we play 'Strict Machine', and watch the magic happen...

Let me re-iterate the hotness - our new friends were so keen to continue being friendly that we were pursued (in a charming, holiday romance way) back to St Kilda. No names, no court martials, but someone who wasn't Sofie-with-an-'f' or myself even got her mack on. I was not surprised - my friends are very beautiful - just gratified that Melbourne fellas seem far more able to recognise these truths, and are quite ridey to boot.

So, so refreshed

A big THANK YOU! to the gentleman I met in St Kilda at the end of my evening. Having refreshed myself to the point of being dangerous in traffic, Cam (?) helped cSophie to get me home safely. He is a true gentleman - chivalrous, generous, and strong enough to carry me home.

Mille merci!

ROAD TRIP - South of the Border, Pt. IIIa

Oh my God! Michael Jackson's Dead! Oh my God! You're Wearing a Snuggie!

cSophie is tremendously funny in a Snuggie. Hot as, of course, but funny.

It's funny because it's so gay. But have you noticed that she still looks fab? Grrr.

No one really cares that Michael Jackson's dead. Sorry, Mike. Except for Mr Creepy Empathetic on the tram. I'll give you a tragic end to a tragic life.

This tribute was up in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. What is wrong with you ppl? Get a life!

The dumplings are so good, they're worth re-visiting. If this place had accommodation, I would never leave.

Vic Markets: cSophie makes friends there. Otherwise, they're the same as every other markets out there. But with cool sunnies.

Sofie's a pretty, pretty lady.

Some buskers are beautiful, to a point where I don't actually care what, if any, performing skills they actually have. He is the father of my future children - please do not refer to him as that guy!

Mel likey. Inna da pants.

cSophie does the BEST EVER sneeze chains. They're something epic, and provide such amusement for the rest of us. Next time you see her, ask for a demo - it's so worth it.

Shopping quests are magnificent, especially when they come to pleasing fruition! I am now the proud owner of dark blue heels. These are to be my Graduation shoes - if there's a Graduation Ceremony to be had in the next 3 years, these shoes'll be coming out. Damn straight.

We love cake. Cakey cake cake. We also enjoy window shopping in pedestrian-friendly streets. Hello Ackland St, St Kilda! Just FYI, St Kilda's a pretty awesome place to stay - it's wander-accessible :) The beach, however, is Not All That.

Inevitable heart failure never looked so appealling.

Nanna-naps kick arse.

ROAD TRIP - South of the Border, Pt. IIb

All Aboard! Tickets Please!

Trams are cool. Like, really cool. Like, cooler than lighthouses. Lighthouses. Oh yeah.

I don't know who invented the hook turn but, when perfectly executed, my God they're beautiful. RIDE THE RED!

Melbourne's a pretty city - walking along the Yarra is tremendously good for the soul.

It's hard to explain scenery, but trust me - this is nice.

Can someone explain to me the Docklands' fascination with pointy-curvy architecture? I only ask 'cause Sofie and I are classy b*tches who notice this sh*t.


Shanghai Village in Little Bourke St. Best. Dumplings. Ever. $15 a head (and that includes the veen-ho. Yay!)

In-Joke Warning: There is charming stalking to be had in Swanston St. No names, no court martials eh, Sofie and cSophie?

I am now one of the faces of Tourism Victoria. Yes, I am that awesome.

Happy Hour in Federation Square - it's like alcoholism with a view.

Cheeeers!

ROAD TRIP - South of the Border, Pt. IIa

Lick Your Lips For Food Porn

Breakfast is a massively exciting meal. Especially when you're Sofie.


There exists in the arcane world of academia a field of pure science known as Breakfast Maths. It's Laws are as follows:

• the Decadence Quota (DQ) of the breakfast is directly related to the time of day at which it is consumed, with the lateness of the hour directly correlating with, and proportional to the pleasure of the meal; based upon this reasoning, breakfast at 11am is roughly equivalent to eating tiramisu with a long spoon
• there is nothing wrong with Breakfast Dessert (BD). Everyone knows that cake is always the answer. And if said Breakfast Dessert cake is fruit-centric then it's a health food. Duh.

BD = awesome! (Please note St. Kilda Beach in the background. Am I all over this cultural, Tourism Australia sh*t or what?)

Max Brenner is a fucking wanker. 'My Journey with Chocolate' - f*ck me gently. However, his chocolate IS quite good.

It's an alternative to coffee, not a Doctoral thesis. Jog on.

ROAD TRIP - South of the Border, Pt. I

Only Sheep Can Cure Fatigue

Let me begin by saying, we'll take pictures of anything. This is an unattractive habit which I blame on the convenience of digital photography. But I digress! If nothing else, the sheer fact that so little of our luggage was in the car with us because I, the Tetris Queen!, managed to pack the boot using basic spatial reasoning, sheer brute force and Jedi mind-meld skills IS photo-worthy

Don't bother with the paternity test - such skill demonstrates I'm my father's daughter

On a road trip, especially one that crosses two states and a territory, and which left several hours late, because Sod's Law demands it to be so, someone always pees in the bush. However, due to Sofie's training in this area - she's a Scout, ppl (this is not a creepy, Internet pay-per-view thing) - means that peeing in the bush no longer means peeing on one's jeans. Throw in the magic of the car having a roll of toilet paper in it - I'm not sure why, we'll call it happy good fortune - no-water hand sanitiser and wipes, and the merriment and good feeling abounded.

For obvious reasons, there's no photo for this vignette, as this is NOT one of those creepy, Internet pay-per-view things. Yet...

When's Sofie's driving, every car's a 4WD. This is exceptionally funny when, at a truck stop, she sets off exploring dirt tracks leading away from civilization in the hope of finding bathrooms. HiLARious. Until you remember it's YOUR car she's driving.

This begs another comment: while some drive it like they stole it, Sofie drives it like it's big. Do NOT tailgate her 'cause that chick has no fear, just a perverse streak. She will block the road, and sit 10K's under the speed limit. I love Sofie.

Sofie is dangerous with the iPod. 90% of our conversation in the car was, and I quote, No, no, no, next, no, no, I LOVE THIS SONG! Ra- Ra- Rasputin! Don't start me on her driving. Again.

I-Spy will end in tears when 'A' is for 'atoms'. However, 'T T L S' being 'twinkle twinkle little star' is charming. On the massively plus side, and handy for you readers who aren't intimately acquainted with us, 'C' is for cSophie, which should make this diatribe a little easier to follow.

The locals at Albury McDonalds WILL look at you like you're fresh meat. You are. Deal.

Should you ever join us on a road trip, do not EVER play 'Guess Who' with cSophie - the girl is a winning machine.

We are honk sluts.

Driving thru Melbourne is best achieved when directions involve the driver 'feeling the vibe'.

ROAD TRIP SOUTH OF THE BORDER

For this process to work, you'll need some background.

In July, my girlfriends and I decided to shrug of the chains of mundane responsibility. Having filed the appropriate paperwork to obtain leave from work, we left our emergency contact details with loved ones, and traveled to Melbourne in the search of AWESOME. We totally found it.

Each post is a collection of random thoughts, grouped thematically. Assume each post covers a single day, and that the three of us think we're much funnier than we actually are.

The main characters are:

• Sofie - my pal, my heart, my big spoon
• cSophie - the awesome Victorian local, and one of the funniest women I know
• MelWuv - your trusted narrator

cSophie, MelWuv, Sofie

You'll be fine.