Formspring.me - Do you have any scars on your body? If so, how'd you get them?

My heart is scarred deeply from unrequited passions I've shared with so many...

The scars on my arms are defence wounds I received when trying to convince Daniel Craig to requite said passion.

(Still on holidays, monkeyfluffers. Go write your own brilliant posts so I'll have something nice to read in airports.)

Formspring.me - If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

Christ alive people, how often do I have to say it? The road trip with the dead guy was one time. Stop treating me like I want to turn it into a habit.

(I'm on holiday. This is all you get. PWNED!)

Formspring.me - Who's the sexiest woman alive?

I HAVE to be banned from the Interwebs - I keep finding inane little timewasters just to crack myself up. Question in point: Formspring.me. Questions are provided, answer them as you see fit.

Let's see what damage I can wreak here, children.

In answer to the question above: Do y'all mean apart from me? Cause, in my thermal underwear and ugg boots, I'm pretty sexy. Also, despite recent reports to the contrary, I AM alive

Oh, For God's Sake

This blog incorporates ads - click on them, don't click on them, do the Hokey-Pokey, and shake it all about - which have been especially selected to reflect the nature of the writing and, by extension, myself.

I have ads for the Australian Navy, and adult sex costumes.

I love the fact that Google sat down and said, This girl's gonna get her freak on with a boy in uniform. AND COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, WE CAN HELP MAKE THAT HAPPEN FOR HER!

Jesus H. Christ.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, pt. IX

This is so old it's the test pattern for the Interwebs. Still, it raises a giggle EVERY time.

46 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

7. Ahhhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

8. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

9. You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers.

10. I have PLENTY of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

13. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

14. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for idiots?!

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

18. Yes, I AM an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

19. And your cry-baby whiny-*ssed opinion would be?

20. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

21. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

25. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

27. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.

28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

29. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

30. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

31. Nice perfume. But really, must you marinate in it?

32. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

33. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

34. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just wanted a salary.

35. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

36. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. Aren't you a black hole of need?

38. I'd like to help you out - which way did you come in?

39. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

40. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

41. If you have something to say raise your hand... And place it over your mouth.

42. I'm very busy, can I ignore you some other time?

43. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.

44. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

45. You're not yourself today - I noticed the improvement straight off.

46. Ssshh, listen - that's the sound of no one caring.

Safety First

I correspond regularly with a charming individual who uses their government e-mail address. As a result, we're bound by the rules of their server BlackList, which scans all missives before allowing them in or out. On several occasions, we have broken this server, and received strongly worded notes, suggesting we might like to pull our heads in, or face the possibility of having them kicked off our shoulders.

HOWEVER, in the last 24 hours, I have been doing a little research, and can tell you that references to 'crack' and 'smoking pot' are just fine.

Well sh*t, y'all. It's like these people WANT me to use drugs.

Lie Back And Think Of England

This is not safe for work. If you're allowed this kind of material in your workplace then holy HELL! I want your job. Immediately.

PWNED!

The Lieutenant and I have been dating for over a year now. This process is made a slightly more difficult by the fact that he is spending six months on deployment. As a result, our relationship works a little differently to when we were living in the same country. It's no good dressing up as a naughty nurse, ready to minx it up when he walks thru the door - 6 months is a long time to spend in high heels and stockings - if you want any action in the next 24 hours. We need to be creative, and attempt to break the blacklist filter of his server.

Dirty e-mail, thy name is MelWuv.

MelWuv

Sweetheart, I miss you. But, we're almost at the halfway mark - YAYS! As a mid-deployment present, I'm writing you a little story. Let's just say, this nurse is gonna give a whole other kind of physical...

The Lieutenant

Oh baby, I can't wait for the nurse!!!

MelWuv

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

The Lieutenant

I walked right into that

MelWuv

You did, but I still enjoyed it. It's the mid-deployment gift that keeps on giving

Reasons I Should Organise My Computer

Because it's REALLY hard to explain why this image is part of a screensaver slideshow.

P.S. No, it's NOT me. Do I strike you as someone who'd give any kind of f*ck about National Geographic, or atlases? (That's what I keep the Lieutenant on for). Mmmm, you're a dirty little continent, aren't you? A dirty, naughty continent...

In Soviet Russia, Car Drive You! Our Correspondent in the Field

There have been questions. Questions about jam. To shed light on the Eastern European way of doing (not to be confused with Lithuania's Eastern European Funk), zip over here.

Now, young paduan, you are ready.

In Soviet Russia, Car Drive You! Our Correspondent in the Field

Sofie, my beautiful friend and fellow adventurer when we headed South of the Border, is intrepid. She is a woman who takes no bullsh*t from anyone, and had fabulous hair. And she is going behind The Iron Curtain.

Sofie is spending five weeks in Russia, working as a counsellor at a summer camp.

Dear United Soviet Socialist Republic,

Yeah, we totally f*cking won. Ride that wave, b*tches.

Regards,

MelWuv the Capitalist

This material is too good pass up. Expect updates.