Smokers of the World Unite - We'll Be Outside On The Fire Escape

I'm a smoker. I apologise for that, but in my defence, I will say that:

• I don't smoke in outdoor areas where food is being consumed - I understand that non-smokers probably won't enjoy the smell wafting over their crudites
• I don't smoke in areas where there are children, e.g. public playgrounds, schools, neo-natal units. Just because I've made the decision to smoke doesn't mean I'm going to expose impressionable youngsters to it
• I don't smoke in ppls' houses; further, I ask for permission to smoke on their property - it's just good manners, really
• I try to move away from open doorways/windows, to avoid blowing smoke into buildings

BUT IT'S NOT ENOUGH. I'm not sure when 'smoker' became synonymous with 'kiddie fiddler', but Christ, we're hated. Hated. Nothing else I do in life - and believe me, I do plenty of weird and wonderful things, as this blog will attest to - seems to invite the angry wrath of total f*cking strangers the same way lighting a Marlboro does.

I usually walk across campus with a fag on. This, apparently, is akin to crucifying Christians along the Appian Way - the number of times I've been addressed directly, or just had other pedestrians stand near me and fake cough is bizarrely high, with 3 occurrences in the last 6 weeks.

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO, PPL? We've been banned from smoking in

• hospitals (well, that makes sense, even to a pack-a-day habitual like me)
• public buildings (fair enough - with air conditioning systems, you just cannot contain it)
  
• on planes (agreed - a smoking section on a plane is about as useful as a peeing section in a pool)
• restaurants (you go for the meal, not the charming 'smoky French bistro' ambiance)
• pubs (what? Hang on... Surely the whole charm of the pub is in its smoky atmosphere?)
• in parks (I understand that we shouldn't hold small children down and exhale in their faces, but are you f*cking serious?)
• on beaches (hello, I'd like the police, please... Yes, public common sense seems to have taken off, and I just can't find it).

IF MY SMOKING BOTHERS YOU THAT MUCH (you big jessie), GO INSIDE, YOU SILLY F*CKER! Visit any one of the millions of places where I can no longer legally smoke, and leave me to it. Really, we'll both enjoy our private moments that much more.

And please, don't give me any more shrieking tirades about how your tax dollars will fund my death. Cigarettes are highly taxed items. I'm happy to pay the asking price. However, it's MY tax dollars fm this that will fund my medical treatment. Really, end-stage emphysema patients usually last less than 5 years. Seriously, we get really sick, then we die. We're so cost effective when it comes to medical treatment that cigarettes should be subsidised. There'll be no need to long-term aged care, let me tell you. Of course, the most likely scenario is, I'll quit smoking, and my tax dollars will fund your interminable treatment for a degenerative mental illness, such as Alzheimer's Disease (NB. This is one of those conditions where the ill don't even have the good sense to move along quickly, with physical health continuing long after the patient has reached the point of requiring 24/7 care to stop them from setting their hair on fire. In some cases, we're talking decades.)

I'm not asking you to smoke. I'm not asking you to like or support the fact I smoke. But if you feel the need to treat me like a second-class citizen while I'm quietly smoking in the last purgatorial areas left for this exercise, I'll have to point out that you, being at least 10 kilos overweight, and driving a car, are no paragon of good health either. Then I will ask you to f*ck off. But nicely. Very, very nicely.