I Wish I Was A Time Lord: I'd Have The Chance to Leave Earth Until the Music Got Better

My sparkles bring all the vampires to the yard, and I'm like, You're a fag

Dear Diary, Nobody Understands Me But You!

My goodness, when did it become so hard to be a teenager?! I remember that my teenage years, when coupled with the travails of high school, did occasionally move me to tears and fits of great stabbiness. However, the ways of the tortured artiste were unknown to me. I was never on medication. I was never admitted into psychiatric care. I got over it.

This ability to get over it, which I maintain is the base-level resilience needed to survive 80+ years of existence on the planet, seems harder and harder to find. Instead of realising that sometimes, life does indeed suck dogs' balls, and all any of us can do is keep breathing and wait for it to pass, such moments become an opportunity to tie oneself in knots of self-reflexive upset, demonstrated by a deep personal depression.

Excuse me? When the f*ck did it become The Done Thing to self-harm? Or up the anti-depressant dosage? Or, even more dangerously, sing songs about self-harming? Before y'all become shouty, I do believe medication has a place. I do believe that it is one option for treating psychiatric conditions which would otherwise be unbearable. But also, I wonder if you'd feel better if you simply stopped listening to songs about dead goldfish, and how nobody understands us, and why it's all for nought, and hardened the f*ck up. For God's sake, please stop pretending it's cool to be so unhappy. It's horrible for the rest of us to be around - mainly because we get bored of listening to your whinging - and I'm pretty sure ain't the best way to care for your own neurochemical balance.

Let's all try something new, shall we? The Bloggess has coined the Furiously Happy Movement, and motherf*cker, I'm ALL for it. Let's be 'FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE'. It certainly can't be more painful than dead goldfish.

P.S. It's NOT cool to be emo, depressed, and rock an air of ennui when a) you've never seen what the rest of the world has to offer (yeah, chick whose happiest years where in high school, I'm looking at you), and b) you don't know what 'ennui' means. It's self-indulgent, self conscious, too cool for school POSING. Kisschasy and I are on to you:

They both go to all of the same clubs
Where everyone takes all the same drugs
And talks about how they're 'so fucked up'

Note: This was not written in a nice way. We're laughing our guts up at you

Formspring.me - Do you have any scars on your body? If so, how'd you get them?

My heart is scarred deeply from unrequited passions I've shared with so many...

The scars on my arms are defence wounds I received when trying to convince Daniel Craig to requite said passion.

(Still on holidays, monkeyfluffers. Go write your own brilliant posts so I'll have something nice to read in airports.)

Formspring.me - If you could go on a road trip with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?

Christ alive people, how often do I have to say it? The road trip with the dead guy was one time. Stop treating me like I want to turn it into a habit.

(I'm on holiday. This is all you get. PWNED!)

Formspring.me - Who's the sexiest woman alive?

I HAVE to be banned from the Interwebs - I keep finding inane little timewasters just to crack myself up. Question in point: Formspring.me. Questions are provided, answer them as you see fit.

Let's see what damage I can wreak here, children.

In answer to the question above: Do y'all mean apart from me? Cause, in my thermal underwear and ugg boots, I'm pretty sexy. Also, despite recent reports to the contrary, I AM alive

Me Talk Pretty One Day, pt. IX

This is so old it's the test pattern for the Interwebs. Still, it raises a giggle EVERY time.

46 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

7. Ahhhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

8. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

9. You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers.

10. I have PLENTY of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

13. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

14. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for idiots?!

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

18. Yes, I AM an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

19. And your cry-baby whiny-*ssed opinion would be?

20. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

21. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

25. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

27. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.

28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

29. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

30. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

31. Nice perfume. But really, must you marinate in it?

32. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

33. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

34. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just wanted a salary.

35. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

36. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. Aren't you a black hole of need?

38. I'd like to help you out - which way did you come in?

39. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

40. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

41. If you have something to say raise your hand... And place it over your mouth.

42. I'm very busy, can I ignore you some other time?

43. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.

44. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

45. You're not yourself today - I noticed the improvement straight off.

46. Ssshh, listen - that's the sound of no one caring.

Safety First

I correspond regularly with a charming individual who uses their government e-mail address. As a result, we're bound by the rules of their server BlackList, which scans all missives before allowing them in or out. On several occasions, we have broken this server, and received strongly worded notes, suggesting we might like to pull our heads in, or face the possibility of having them kicked off our shoulders.

HOWEVER, in the last 24 hours, I have been doing a little research, and can tell you that references to 'crack' and 'smoking pot' are just fine.

Well sh*t, y'all. It's like these people WANT me to use drugs.

PWNED!

The Lieutenant and I have been dating for over a year now. This process is made a slightly more difficult by the fact that he is spending six months on deployment. As a result, our relationship works a little differently to when we were living in the same country. It's no good dressing up as a naughty nurse, ready to minx it up when he walks thru the door - 6 months is a long time to spend in high heels and stockings - if you want any action in the next 24 hours. We need to be creative, and attempt to break the blacklist filter of his server.

Dirty e-mail, thy name is MelWuv.

MelWuv

Sweetheart, I miss you. But, we're almost at the halfway mark - YAYS! As a mid-deployment present, I'm writing you a little story. Let's just say, this nurse is gonna give a whole other kind of physical...

The Lieutenant

Oh baby, I can't wait for the nurse!!!

MelWuv

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

The Lieutenant

I walked right into that

MelWuv

You did, but I still enjoyed it. It's the mid-deployment gift that keeps on giving

Heil, Mein Fuhrer!

One day soon, I'll stop stealing your ideas, LD. In the meantime, I'm gonna surf your brilliance. (What am I saying? I'm gonna pursue it down a dark alleyway, knock it unconscious, rifle its pockets and steal the good stuff, rite before I kick it in the kidneys and run away giggling).

SO. According to LD, there are only 5 acceptable reasons for invoking Hitler's name in a discussion (what am I, your mother? No I'm not gonna outline them - see them in their original location here).

However, and God help me 'cause I'm going to hell for this one, I believe there is a little known but immensely satisfying 6th appropriate use: when arguing the toss with a attendant at a war museum. It must be used appropriate piss and vinegar, and hopefully with the kind of person who has a warped sense of humour. Otherwise, it's just a hate crime.

MelWuv

• Excuse me, sir, we're closing this area of the Memorial now. If you'd like to start making your way out

English Tourist

• /pretends not hear, fiddles with camera, takes another picture of the Mustang on display/

MelWuv

• /slightly less patiently/ Sir, the Memorial is closed, and I must ask you to start making your way out. Quick as you like!

English Tourist

• /baleful stare/ I've travelled halfway around the world to be here, and this is my last opportunity to visit the Memorial. Do you mind?

MelWuv

• I can understand your frustration, sir (yes, it's pretty similar to mine when f*ckwits wanna play the whinge card), but it is closing time, and I must insist you leave this gallery so we can close and secure the building. Now

English Tourist

• You know, if I was working at an Allied war memorial, I'm not sure I'd like to align myself so closely with a totalitarian approach reminiscent of the Nazis...

MelWuv

• Oh, CHAMPAGNE SIR! You totally just won another 5 minutes in here - go nuts.

Too soon for a Hitler joke?

Me Talk Pretty One Day, Pt. VIII*

The only thing better than making a bizarre but inexplicably funny comment is making it to someone who appreciates the nonsense, and then adds to it. I plan to marry the Lieutenant.

MelWuv

• You have kittens in your underpants. I checked while you were sleeping on Friday.

the Lieutenant

• I don't know how, as I didn't have any on... Now I come to think of it, I don't even own any! The previous owner must have left both his underpants and kittens.

MelWuv

• Does it hurt you to lie to your future wife and mother of your unborn children so callously? You do so have underpants! And kittens. Damnit, YOU HAVE KITTENS IN YOUR UNDERPANTS! You know it, I know it, deal.

At this pt, I thought I had bested him. BUT NO! (This response pretty much clarifies why I'm going to marry him. If he's interested. And stuff...)

the Lieutenant

• Callous, me? Hardly. I am a friend to all kittens everywhere, as long as they don't come within 10 yards of me, or within a mile of the underpants I don't have.
  Too much white wine, I suspect, and you spotted my pet mongoose hiding in a tea cosy.

MelWuv

• That's well nigh impossible - after a pitched but silent battle, I bested your mongoose, and trapped him under a laundry basket. If you've done any washing since Friday, you'll probably be aware of this.
  
  Ricky-Ticky-Tarvy my ass.

the Lieutenant

• That would explain the hole in the floor under the laundry basket. And the kittens on his breath. Damn, well, it's my fault for forgetting to feed him. I guess he dug for freedom, tough little feller he was. You're a better man than I am, Gungha Din...
  

I'm so in love rite now.



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

LOLCats, and How to Get Them

The trick with any good game I've found is to take it to its natural limits and kick it when its down, as it were. It is only when the creative spirit is unfettered by restraints such as good taste that great things can truly be achieved, and you can say things which induce others to vomit into their mouths. The Kittens as Dictators game is one such example.

The rules are simple: using words such as kitten, cat, miaow and purr - all feline words, in the Kitten game - slightly modify the names of great dictators, to turn them into to kittens. May I present:

• Chairman Miaow
• Pussolini
• the Russian President, Pusstin
• Nikitten Kruschev
• Mikhail Gorbacat
  
• Emperor Hirokitti (see how I spelt that?! lol!)

Of course, then we come to the 'kick it when its down' section of the endeavour. This is a free-for-all beyond the boundaries of common decency, and sense. 'Tis awesome!

Artistes

• Gustav Miaowler
• Richard Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkitties' (miaow me-me-miaow MIAOW! miaow me-me-miaow MIAOW! I love the smell of tuna in the morning! Smells like victory!)
• Picatsso

Geographical Locations

• where kittens seek solitude: Catalonia
• where kittens are originally fm: Purrsia
• where Bohemian kitties play: Purris

It's terrible, isn't it? But I bet you can think of some of your own...

Me Talk Pretty One Day, Pt. VII*

Fathers, lock up your daughters - the Fleet is IN, and they're not averse to buying bright young things drinks... Which is why I shall love them forever and ever.

However, as has been rightly pointed out, what use is my female love to sailors? Traditionally the military service of choice for those fellas who enjoy some hawt! male-on-male action, the jokes just write themselves. Seriously, spend any amount of time with a sailor and, if you're anything like me, you'll do yourself physical damage desperately sitting on the awesome, You're in the Navy - you must be gay! jokes. I'm sure it never gets old, rite guys?

Apparently not! Just as women can tell domestic abuse jokes, and raise a laugh, so can navy boys tell gay jokes. And, God help me, they're funny bastards.

While I spend far too much time giggling in the presence of officers (fine, I admit it - there may even be some hair flicking), the deadpan delivery of several lines had me close to hospitalised (admittedly only because I slid of the chair because I was laughing). Ladies and gentleman, the future of Her Majesty's Royal Australian Navy:

• It's not gay if you're underway!
• It's only gay if you push back
• They'll be separated after lights out with a bucket of cold water...

If laughing at such puerility is wrong, well, I don't wanna be right!

P.S. A big 'Thank You!' to the Overlord of the Pacific: you've introduced me to a level of crassness I never even knew was humanly possible.



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, Pt. VI*

Nostalgia is a funny beast. Somehow, with a little time and space, all that's gone before seems a little less rough around the edges. Sure, He had the inexcusable penchant of playing his Bananarama CDs without either shame or irony (or indeed, recourse to the 'reduce volume' button), but he also smelt nice whenever you went out together. She spoke with a voice that had a lot in common with an angle grinder, but she remembered your Mum's birthday, and bought lovely presents which you were allowed to take credit for. With nostalgia in play, these attributes suddenly seem worth revisiting. Except for the fact that the reality would be rite back to the place of Bananarama and angle grinders.

It's best summed up by Harriet the Hottie - she's both gorgeous and clever, leading me to ask, Why remain friends with such a person? I mean, apart fm having it reinforce my own glowing sense of mediocrity?

Because she's 100% freakin' awesome, and can, without prompting, bestow such gems as:
It'd be like if Angela Merkel was offered the opportunity to establish a German military base in Stalingrad. She'd totally say yes, if just to revisit the good old days...

Pure. Freakin'. Gold.



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, pt. V*

TLD (that's The Lovely Dave for those of you who haven't been keeping up, and taking note of the developments of this blog), recently opened the Box of Controversy with words he's not a fan of (the entire episode is snap frozen for extra freshness here). While you can take your "moist panties" (oh Christ, excuse me momentarily, while I vomit so hard my eyes fall out), I thought it was time to balance the presentation with a few words that I love so much I want to take them away for a really dirty weekend in BrisVegas.

• Shameful: as in, My God girlfriend, that haircut was shameful! (This usage of the term is most useful when squawking over old photographs. However, much in this world is shameful - just remember that it sounds best when delivered with a tone of embarrassed amusement).
• Minx: it does exactly what it says on the tin, without being overtly sexual and sleazy.
• Surreal: while I use this term for situations that involve absolutely NO melting clocks - thus begging the question, can you really use the term surreal to describe it? - I enjoy its evocation of spiritual and emotional dislocation. Most commonly, God, I saw my ex just then - they look exactly the same, and I'm all like, God, I actually do miss you, until I remembered that they made me listen to Bananarama/vacuumed my dwarf rabbit out existence/slept with someone who decidedly wasn't me, and I'm thinking, You hide the bastard thing so well - you actually look nice, and now I need a little lie down... God, it was just SURREAL. (Who says you need the melting clocks to create a rift from reality, eh?)
• the terms of affection Babes, Sweets and Bella: only the last term is specifically for the pretty ladies; the rest I use indiscriminately, even when I can remember the name of the individual in question. Personally, I like the plural. However, it drives others to distraction. All part of the rich tapestry, I guess.

Are we all in love, or am I once again on the outer? If I've got it wrong (an event with a 98.7% possibility of occurring every damn day), what should I be loving? Come on, fess up - what words get you going?



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day, pt. IV*

In a move towards expressing a greater positivity in my life, I'm attempting to move away fm the linear rigidity of 'no' as a negative response. I choose to engage with my creative self, and fm this point onwards will offer such refusals as, They will never find your body.

It has a certain je ne sais quoi.



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

We Need To Talk*

OH MY GOD, there are other ppl reading this blog! Please, please - sit down, have a drink, would like a foot rub? Hot sex with the celebrity of your choice? My eternal and undying affection? DONE!**

The lovely Dave commented that there are several choice opening statements that are designed with the sole purpose of making you realise that you're conversation partner doesn't have shiny hair, so much as greasy strands that need a wash.

Here, in no particular order, are the lines that indicate it's time to down your drink, pick up your handbag, and head home alone.

• Don't take this the wrong way, but...
• I want to explain why...
• No offence intended, but...
• I'm just being honest when I say...

Of course, I'm sure that are some other charmers out there: ante up, people!



* title courtesy of the lovely Dave (yes, it IS an actual title. Soon I shall start referring to him as TLD)

** Chances of having sex with the celebrity of your choice simply b/c you read this blog are slim to none... Unless they have excellent taste, and you meet them here!
But you've totally got my affection, for shizzle.

Me Talk Pretty One Day*, pt. III

The motto of the US Treasury: Ah Fuck It, It's Only Money



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day*, pt. II

Dear God, I love a good acronym. Love 'em. Love 'em like they were my mother. I mean, is there anything better than a succinct, made up word that completely captures an amazing concept? Didn't think so.

Thus, for your amusement and delectation, I have compiled a list of the best. The rest can be found over here. Knock yourselves out, kiddies.

DILLIGAF - Does It Look Like I Give A Fuck?
FIG - Fuck I'm Good
FIGJAM - Fuck I'm Good, Just Ask Me
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
MARINE - Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential
NORWICH - kNickers Off Ready When I Come Home
POETS - Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday
SNAFU - Situation Normal - All Fucked Up!

And 3 I just had to include, despite their lack of fake wordiness sounds. These are shamelessly stolen from the inimitable Kathy Lette - who better to describe just how men discuss women?
LHJ - Leave Home Job
LHNJ - Leave Home Now Job
LHRFNJ - Leave Home Rite Fucking Now Job



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.

Me Talk Pretty One Day*

God, there are some truly WONDERFUL one liners, pithy statements and just genius adjectival descriptions out there. You stumble across them on other blogs, wandering down the street, flicking thru the paper, generally interacting with a widely accepted reality. Why they strike you is a mystery - all you know is: they appeal to the ear, trip off the tongue and generally infuse you with an allover sense of wellbeing. So, presented here in one tidy list form, my favourite insults, descriptions and lines I wish were my own.

1) Leering fucktard

2) Age, size and (lack of) motor skills shouldn't be barriers to style, comfort and a good night's sleep

3) Cockspank

4) Inappropriate massage

5) Knobjockey

6) Lay down and open wide, fella - your whoring days are here

7) A bigger wanker than Corey Delaney

I'll continue to add to this list as I feel it to be necessary. That is all.



* A nod to David Sedaris - he comes up with the genius, I merely steal and degrade it.