Me Talk Pretty One Day, pt. IX

This is so old it's the test pattern for the Interwebs. Still, it raises a giggle EVERY time.

46 Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

6. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

7. Ahhhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

8. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

9. You are reinforcing my inherent mistrust of strangers.

10. I have PLENTY of talent and vision - I just don't give a damn.

11. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

12. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

13. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

14. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

15. What am I? Flypaper for idiots?!

16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

17. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

18. Yes, I AM an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

19. And your cry-baby whiny-*ssed opinion would be?

20. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

21. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

24. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

25. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

26. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

27. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.

28. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

29. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

30. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

31. Nice perfume. But really, must you marinate in it?

32. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

33. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

34. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just wanted a salary.

35. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

36. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

37. Aren't you a black hole of need?

38. I'd like to help you out - which way did you come in?

39. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

40. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

41. If you have something to say raise your hand... And place it over your mouth.

42. I'm very busy, can I ignore you some other time?

43. Don't let your mind wander, it's too small to be let out on its own.

44. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

45. You're not yourself today - I noticed the improvement straight off.

46. Ssshh, listen - that's the sound of no one caring.