I Wanna Have Your Babies - Pick Up Lines that Shock and Amuse #2

Where have all the good men gone? I, like most of my female friends, was bought up with the implicit understanding that men were Only After One Thing. This One Thing, it was suggested, would be our downfall and ruin if we didn't guard against it.

But then I left home, and thought 'AWESOME! We're both after the same One Thing! Just imagine - no guilt, no 'Where is our relationship going?' conversations, just a lot of fun between consenting adults. w00t!'

BUT NO. Men went and changed all the rules. Now they want to 'connect emotionally', and pursue 'a future together' (someone more cynical than I might suggest that what they're actually after is lulling you into a false sense of security, before dumping you for some chick who puts out, anyway. Has someone told them that women in relationships are better lays, or something?) Bastards.

In touch with their feminine sides, they turn into blushing Victorians when propositioned. It's a sad state of affairs when you can't find a man for a one night stand.

SUBJECT: Yesterday

Hi Jane,

I am sorry about the way things were left yesterday - I certainly had no intention of things going the way they did, and would most certainly have preferred a different outcome.

My main concern at this point is of the possibility that we may continue the personal relationship that was being developed until things went as they did. I like you on a personal level very much, and although I am sure we could have been electric together on another level, if it interests you at all, I would like for us to continue our friendship.

Certainly, venue not being the obstacle it is, I would have had no hesitation in extending to you my best efforts. Nevertheless, if you wish to, I propose coffee on Thursday at the cafe at the library; I shall be studying out there most of the day, and should you wish to do so, I do believe it is my turn to subsidise YOUR caffeine intake!

Best wishes,
John

Oh you dirty, rotten prick. HOW DOES THIS BECOME OUR PROBLEM?! So, we're forced to reply.

SUBJECT: You have the right to remain silent... I'm begging you, please exercise it!

Dear John,

I'm slowly but surely starting to understand why you currently have no room for a lover in your life - obviously, your ego masturbation is fulfilling all your needs. Why find someone else to make you feel good, when you're obviously managing to do that just fine by yourself?

Obviously, I didn't make myself clear when I said I was making a booty call, not a tell me about your secret pain call. Let me put it clearly and simply: I really don't care! You didn't fancy a shag - not a problem. Please, please just shut up now - this exploration of your feelings is EVERYTHING I WAS TRYING TO AVOID BY ENGAGING IN MEANINGLESS SEX WITH YOU. That's the brilliant thing about secret pain, babe - it's a big ole secret that I don't have to give a flying fig leaf about.

Certainly, there is the possibility of remaining friends, provided that you recognise I'M STILL NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR SECRET PAIN, you dunce. Let's shoot the shit, and leave it there - I promise to keep my hands to myself, as anything else seems to make you all crazy like.

Blah blah blah - no sex, just coffee. I get that. I respect that. Can we all just sit quietly now?

Best wishes,
Jane

p.s. Notice how I didn't even MENTION your 'best efforts'? Have I got the moral highground or what?!

Of course, this was the story that was never told. The real reply?

SUBJECT: Coffee on Thursday

Dear John,

I'd love a coffee on Thursday - I'll catch up with you at the library.

Cheers,
Jane

Christ. We deserve everything we get.